that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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