You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Randomize
