I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Sext me about skeletons
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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