I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
