I feel great
I just peed on a car
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
Dude manswers just said that a guy can only cum up to eight times in one day. I'm gonna prove that show wrong.
ha well at least you have goals.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
My ATM looks so different sober.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
