remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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