Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize