his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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