I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
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