look no pants
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
We're too hungover to prance.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
