dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
