8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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