I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
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