My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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