i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
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