I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
