Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
you had me at cake vodka
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
