Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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