This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
