there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
