Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
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Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
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You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
My bed smells like the plague
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
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