I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
