alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
