For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
