you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Randomize
