Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
