did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Randomize
