My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
