The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
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