did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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