Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
