I have demons in me.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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