I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
