Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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