my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
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