i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
