I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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