she woke up with a sticky ear
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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