he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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