Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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