One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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