He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
