During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
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