Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Randomize
