Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
