I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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