im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize