I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
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