I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
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