Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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