I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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