we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Randomize
