Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
