we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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