You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
A+ Viking dick
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
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