i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
