the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
