Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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