It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
