So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
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I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
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My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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